Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.