Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sacred texts.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

A male goth is called a broth.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.