At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
You Might Also Like
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*