At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
why no one uses midhusbands
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…