At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
thats my bad
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking