Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]