(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth