Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

No one told me my life would become so much googling it