Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Support your local cemetery

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.