[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
the icebreaker
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.