[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
President The Rock Obama
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
i really liked this one
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”