Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.