Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

john wicks are toilet candles

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.