Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

How does one answer this?

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.