Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Holy moly

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go