Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat