Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice