*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Well, shit
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about