Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip