Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

bat life

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.