at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
