at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
BRO LMFAO
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.