At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
You Might Also Like
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.