At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
when you order from DoorDastardly
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’m giving up for Lent.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
#dnd #ttrpg
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Extremely relatable.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.