At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.


I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.


I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH


Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?

Emergency training complete


Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way