At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
These 3D printers are insane!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.