At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
no cat here
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
