At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
You Might Also Like
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.