At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.