“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Camping tip: No.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
boys are so easy to impress
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.