Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

I think my mom just blocked me

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.