Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

So many pants.
So little yoga.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?