“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m listening
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.