At least he brought enough for everyone
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This came to me in a dream.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I enjoy a good short stor
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe