At least he brought enough for everyone
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
That’s it.I’m out.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)