At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November