Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe