At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace