At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
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(True)
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that鈥檚 bullshit
B) I probably shouldn鈥檛 know this
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it鈥檚 not longer than a week
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..