At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Every house has this drawer
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!