Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

yikes

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup