At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
zone out
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
it is time once again
is it earth
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
This squirrel eats better than I do
