At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?