At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
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I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
next level snooze
Its a hippotatomus
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”