At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?