At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”