At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!