At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.