At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
murder on the timeline
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
