At least my masseuse has my back.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
back to work
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.