At least my masseuse has my back.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
If looks could kill
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
☠️ ☠️
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT