Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

SCARY COSTUME

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.