Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color