At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
You Might Also Like
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him