@omerwahaj If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
@andylassner At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
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@omerwahaj 
@weismanjake If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
@Canadian_Cutie_ If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
@Reverend_Scott Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
@Pork_Chop_Hair Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
@iinkedZombie All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
@OrdinaryAlso Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
@daemonic3 ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
@KeetPotato [guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son
@TheCiscoKidder My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.