@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

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@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@Reverend_Scott

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.