@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

You Might Also Like

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

@TheTalkingPipe

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.

@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

@PaulyPeligroso

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.