@andylassner
At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
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@marcusparkersol
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
@ProZD
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
@TheToddWilliams
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
@Dawn_M_
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
@TheTalkingPipe
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.
@InternetHippo
FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops
TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
@Jaywoo74
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
@Lerky
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
@PaulyPeligroso
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.