@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

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@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@RodLacroix

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

@linkindrinkin

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

@VisionBored1

I’m sitting on a piece of driftwood alone at the beach and if this was a movie the hot bearded guy would find me and sit next to me saying something about not ever needing to sit alone anymore but instead a dog just took a shit six feet from me so

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

@Sarcasticsapien

When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away