@TheFearBoners: So PSY's song "Dear American" includes the lyric "Kill them all slowly and painfully" and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.

@TheWhaleFacts: The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can't.

@GoldenSpirals: My therapist told me "time heals all wounds", So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

@mikefossey: one time my boss said "salad, as a food, sucks" and this other guy was like "as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?" and that guy lost his job a few weeks later

@robfee: Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!