Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@yerpalmildsauce

Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

@AndrewNadeau0

Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.

@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@DinkMagic

It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv

@Classy_Cassy89

You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.

@fuzzlime

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

@mack44_d

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

@BrassBallsCJ

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

@CharmandBrains

*Inspirational Tweets*

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.