At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

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Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.


Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.



Me: *dramatic deep sigh*


Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]


It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv


I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument


I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.


Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?


I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.