At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.
FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops
TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.