I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
😆this is so true
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Nice try Hitler
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
No chill.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.