At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Yup.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think