Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Lmao

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

when there are deer in the woods

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.