at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires