At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Good news
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.