Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is a marshmallow

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers