At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Taking phone security to the next level.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”