At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
groan^2