Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.