At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game