At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
❤️🦆
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Ferrari squats
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*