At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.