At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
all bases covered
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.