At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING