@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

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@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

@DaddyJew

7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss

@SteveSackington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested