[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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7: I didn’t do my homework
Me: why not?
7: they told us to write about the new president
7: you told me not to cuss
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.