At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
You Might Also Like
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
shut up and take my money
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: