At least try to make it slightly believable
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof