At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*