At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.