Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?