At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
😅🤣😂
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.